I like the British version better.
Cue theme music. Roll footage of small town in Pennsylvania. Cut to paper company offices.
INCOMPETENT BOSS
Listen up everybody! Gather round, and witness the limit-…the non-limits I am willing to go to for you, my loyal employees.
HEARTHROB WITH BAD HAIR smirks directly at the camera.
HOT MOUSY SECRETARY exchanges knowing glances with OTHER BELEAGUERED EMPLOYEES.
INCOMPETENT BOSS pulls away a tablecloth revealing a Cuisinart Brew Central 12-Cup Coffee Maker.
INCOMPETENT BOSS
Ta-da!
NUTBALL SUCK-UP
My god. It’s beautiful.
DITZY INDIAN GIRL
What was wrong with the old coffee maker?
ADORABLY-DEPRESSED BLACK GUY
Nothing.
INCOMPETENT BOSS
Not true. That’s not true. That old coffee maker didn’t make lattes or cappuccinos.
DITZY INDIAN GIRL
It didn’t?
CUT TO: Face to face interview.
DITZY INDIAN GIRL
What have I been drinking this whole time?
CUT BACK.
HEARTTHROB WITH BAD HAIR
Michael, this machine doesn’t make any of those things either.
INCOMPETENT BOSS
Don’t be negative. Now, I will show you how this works.
CREEPY BALD FAT GUY
I’m going back to my desk now.
SHRILL TINY CAT-LADY
Michael we all put in money for that old coffee maker!
NUTBALL SUCK-UP
Everyone pay attention! Michael is about to impart some wisdom on this new piece of equipment!
HEARTTHROB WITH BAD HAIR makes a duck face and winks as the camera.
CUT TO: Face to face interview
NUTBALL SUCK-UP
Very early in life boys in my family are taught that you must know your enemy, which in this case means all machinery you use on the farm, for if given half a chance it will kill you. Once a boy can successfully navigate the gauntlet of combine blades, he is proclaimed a man.
CUT BACK.
INCOMPETENT BOSS
Now this thing has a lot of different bells and whistles, let’s see, okay here’s the manual. Well I’ll just throw that away.
HOT MOUSY SECRETARY
Does it have a light that lets you know it’s time to clean it? So maybe someone else will finally clean it?
INCOMPETENT BOSS
Yes! Yes it does! Good eye, Pam!
CUT TO: Face to face interview.
HOT MOUSY SECRETARY
It doesn’t matter. No one’s ever going to clean that thing if I don’t.
CUT BACK.
GAY LATINO EMPLOYEE
Can you program it to turn on at a certain time?
INCOMPETENT BOSS
Yes, but that would be really dumb because why would you want it to make coffee later if you’re standing at the coffee maker. Come on people, let’s take this seriously.
SHRILL TINY CAT-LADY
Does it at least have an automatic shut-off for safety?
INCOMPETENT BOSS
Of course!
ADORABLY-DEPRESSED BLACK GUY
Michael. Is that a refurbished unit?
INCOMPETENT BOSS
Absolutely! Our last coffee maker was not nearly as furbished as this, and when I saw that there were models available REfurbished, for much cheaper I might add, I pounced. Because that’s what leaders do.
HOT MOUSY SECRETARY
It still doesn’t make lattes or cappuccinos.
Employees file out of the room, disgusted. HEARTTHROB WITH BAD HAIR smiles smugly at the camera.
CUT TO: Face to face interview.
INCOMPETENT BOSS
Part of being a good boss means knowing when to give your employees a little something new, like a coffee maker, but then taking it back to buy the same one you used to have. Because that teaches them that what they have could be taken away at any time. And then given back.
(from woot.com, attempting to sell an overpriced coffee maker. It was cute, though.)
